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English jokes
- شروع کننده موضوع melika
- تاریخ شروع
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. After sharing a good meal they went into their tent, laid down, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awakened his faithful friend. “Watson, look up there in the sky and tell me what you see.” Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.” “And what does that tell you, Watson?” Watson pondered. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, I see that God is all powerful and that we merely insignificant specks in His grand plan. Meteorologically, I predict we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.” Watson asked Holmes, “What does it tell you?” Holmes replied, “Watson, you idiot. It tells me some bastard stole our tent!“
معنی لغات سبز رنگ:
- tent: چادر
- awaken
V) to wake up or to make someone wake upEXAMPLE:
- She was awakened by a noise at two in the morning.
- faithful
Adj) وفادار، با وفاEXAMPLE:
- Hollis was a good and faithful friend .
- astronomically: از لحاظ ستاره شناسی
- galaxy: کهکشان
one of the large groups of stars that make up the universe
- Horologically: از نظر وقت و زمان
- deduce: نتیجه گیری کردن، برداشت کردن
EXAMPLE:
- From her son's age, I deduced that her husband must be at least 60.
- approximately:تقریباً
- insignificant:ناچیز
- Meteorologically: از نظر هواشناسی
- predict: پیش بینی
to say that something will happen, before it happens
- Sales were five percent lower than predicted.
فروش 5 درصد از پیش بینی ها کمتر بود
- idiot: احمق، ابله
EXAMPLE:
- who was the idiot who left the door open?
آخرین ویرایش:
eye exam
A man went for an eye exam. "Doctor, will I be able to read after I get glasses?" "Yes, of course," said the doctor. "Oh, that'd be great," said the patient, "'cause I've been illiterate my whole life!"
eye exam: معاینه چشم
get glasses: عینک زدن
great:عالی
EXCELLENT, very good
especially spoken
ￚsynonym wonderful, fantastic
Examples:
- The weather here is great.
- It's great to be home.
- a great day out for all the family.
patient: someone who is receiving medical treatment from a doctor or in a hospital
بیمار
cause: because: چونکه، چون
illiterate: someone who is illiterate has not learned to read or write : بی سواد
whole life: کل زندگی
Newton's LAWS OF ROMANCE
Newton in romantic mood.........
Universal law:
" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money
"
first law:
" a boy in love with a girl, continues to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continues to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the girl) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. "
second law:
" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "
third law:
" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl while slapping"
Newton in romantic mood.........
Universal law:
" Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from
One girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money
"
first law:
" a boy in love with a girl, continues to be in love with her and a girl
in love with a boy, continues to be in love with him, until or unless
any external agent(brother or father of the girl) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy. "
second law:
" the rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is
directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and
the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance. "
third law:
" the force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite
to the force applied by the girl while slapping"
آسمان دریایی
متخصص بخش زبان انگلیسی
Here you can tell your English jokes to make others laugh . I start & I hope you enjoy
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk
Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers
A: The outside.
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
Q: Why do birds fly South?
A: Because it's too far to walk
Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers
A: The outside.
آسمان دریایی
متخصص بخش زبان انگلیسی
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Lady secretary: Boss, your wife wants to kiss u over the telephone
Boss: Please receive it and give it to me later
If you need advice, text me… If you need a friend, call me… If you need me, come to me… If you need money
THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
Once some one sent SMS to sardar ” Sender is cool and reader is fool”
Sardar got angry and replied ” Sender is fool and reader is cool”
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
Lady secretary: Boss, your wife wants to kiss u over the telephone
Boss: Please receive it and give it to me later
If you need advice, text me… If you need a friend, call me… If you need me, come to me… If you need money
THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE REACHED
God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
Once some one sent SMS to sardar ” Sender is cool and reader is fool”
Sardar got angry and replied ” Sender is fool and reader is cool”
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
دانلود فایل صوتی این جوک در پایین امکان پذیر است. فایل پیوست شد.
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them.
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them.
*****************************************************************
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."